Deviant Login Shop
 Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconcynenoir: More from CyneNoir


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
April 4, 2012
File Size
4.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
5,028 (8 today)
Favourites
458 (who?)
Comments
75
Downloads
665
×
1.
She thought about her sister and how the shape of her face
became foreign in certain light, as if carved by the hands of a man
who had spent too much time on oil and canvas
to remember his own skin. Her eyes began to resemble chips of ice
as they filled with rainwater; the world like a river
that runs over them and
through them
without touching.

She thought about her sister
trying to talk in her sleep—
the way her tongue flapped uselessly
about her mouth, a coil of smooth muscle pinning itself
to her teeth. It spat syllables
like broken stones. She thought about her sister spread across
the bed sheets, palms turned upward, saying look, it isn't so bad,
as the night came and took her body in waves, glowing. She thought about
her sister making a lantern of herself, illuminated
from the inside. She thought about stillness.
About peace.

2.
She thought about the brook that wandered
a little way beyond their backyard, where she had once seen
the small, ragged body of a fox sprawled amongst the weeds. She'd pushed at it
with a broken branch, awed,
until her father came and grabbed it from her hands, shouting
that dead things shouldn't be touched.

If she closed her eyes she could see the fox as a child
and its dark fur a screen of leaves to ward off the mosquitoes
when it laid down to sleep.
She went back every day to watch the moss grow over its bones.

3.
She thought about summer afternoons
when she and her sister would hold their straw sandals in one hand
and dash through the neighbor's garden, their bare feet
slapping wetly against the earth. She thought about the two of them
dancing without shoes across the wooden bridge
that hung over the brook, her sister's hair
flicking wildly through the wind as the freckles on her sunburned face
slid down the arch of her nose
to where her palms were held open, waiting.

She thought about diving alongside her sister
into the muddied water;
how they would search out the biggest rocks
and flip them belly-up to finger the pale undersides.
She thought about making wishes on the fish they caught
with their own hands.
They flipped them up into the air like an offering to some strange
and faceless god
they could find only between themselves.


She thought about the dead fox
and her father's harshness.
She thought about shame.

4.
She thought about the time
their oldest dog had dug his way under the broken fence
and fled to the other side of the water, leaving only
a misshapen trail of paw prints
that faltered when it reached the woods. She cried
until even the willows closed their leaves
and turned away, shielding themselves
from the grief.

On the third evening her sister pulled her out of bed
to take her to the rooftop, where they stayed up all night
renaming the constellations. She thought about trying to find
the shapes of lost souls printed among the stars. Trying to find
the shapes of lost stars printed on the stones beneath their feet.

She thought about the light collecting in their lungs like ash
and how it was beautiful, every molecule of them vibrating, their bodies
alight. She thought about the fire
against her heart and her heart
unclenching like a fist, trying to let go
of what it knows.

She thought about her sister saying
look, it isn't so bad, as the night came
and took her through the window, violently possessed,
and thrust her headfirst
into the soft and yielding earth.

She thought about her sister, about falling after her,
through the broken window,
into the night,
falling
              down
                            down
                                           down

to a place
where the moss would grow over their bones as
one.
Been having technical difficulties with dA lately-- sorry for any double notifications.

I know it's pretty long, but I think I'm rather proud of this one, so I'd be endlessly grateful if you took a look. Any kind of feedback or concrit is most welcome.

Questions for tWR:
1. Are any lines weak or in need of editing? Any words that should be cut out?

2. How might the introduction (mainly the first stanza) be improved?

3. Is the transfer of the "moss growing over bones" idea from the fox to the sisters effective?
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-06-16
:iconcrazyredneckgirl:
Critique by CrazyRedneckGirl Apr 5, 2012, 11:53:45 AM
This is an absolutely amazing peice of work. The insight of the peice is beautiful. The metephors are brilliant and the emotion is completely comsumeing. You are perfectly complicated and intracate with the wording to the peice. The "Experiances" were wonderful. The soul to this peice is so in depth that you can melt right into it. The kind of flashback effect that you created was great. The thoughts of grief and sorrow that are brought up when reading this are disturbing yet beautiful. All thogether this is a great peice that everyone should read. you made little to no mistakes.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconjade-pandora:
Actually, to clarify a bit more from the comment I left:

She thought about her sister, about jumping after her
through the broken window,
into the night,
falling

-- When I read that part of your poem in this less wordy and redundant version, I enjoy the work so much more. The entire piece needs to be made lighter of unnecessary words. From here I've decided to write a more detailed critique I don't do very often if at all.

The store of your piece is very effective and poignant. It's what draws me to say more about it. i feel that my suggestion of edits for one small section of verse is not enough; that the entire piece would benefit from an entire reworking, to tighten and allow for a better flow throughout. There is so much that can be said with much less. I will list where I see the edits of such trimming down making the most of the story:

1.
She thought about her sister, how the
shape of her face became
foreign
in certain light, carved by the hands of a
lonely man who spent too much time in (do you mean "on" ?) canvas to remember his own skin. How her eyes began to resemble chips of ice (I'm not sure about "peeled ice", perhaps "chips of ice" would be enough)
as they filled with rainwater (I think "runoff" is more than needed here);
the world like a river that runs over and through them without touching.

She thought about her sister
trying to talk in her sleep—
her tongue flapped uselessly
about her mouth, a coil of smooth muscle pinning itself
to her teeth. It spat syllables
of broken stones.
She thought about her sister spread across
the bed sheets, palms upward, saying look, it isn't so bad,
as the night came and took her body in waves, glowing.
She thought about her sister making a lantern of herself, illuminated from the inside. She thought about stillness.
About peace.

From here my suggestions might shed more possibilities with the remaining verse. Cutting down the repeatedness, like "she thought", and such. And I have given you my suggestions for part of the latter stanzas before the "down, down, down" comes in.

If you think any of what I said is helpful and you'd like me to go through the rest of the poem with you, I'd be pleased to assist -- if you'd like to send me a dA note.

I hope you can feel the spirit in which I offer these edits & suggestions.Your poem is full of more to offer the reader once it's received a complete fine tuning.

By the way, you asked about the final lines. I think the ending touching and effective as is.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
35 out of 35 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconecholalic-ellie:
Echolalic-Ellie Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my goodness. This is stunning.
Reply
:iconlotrluvr:
lotrluvr Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is stunning. Absolutely beautiful.
Reply
:iconsally1869:
sally1869 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013
This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read.
Reply
:iconunluckynumberxiii:
UnluckyNumberXIII Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sad but sweet. Well worded. Wonderful work.
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconwhimandwonder:
whimandwonder Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is absolutely wondrous. Startling, haunting, compelling, moving... These words come to mind. To answer your 3rd question, yes, a resounding yes.

The only thing I had trouble with was the first stanza, though I honestly don't know why... Something about it wasn't gripping me - maybe because it was too much metaphor all at once without anything real to hold onto? - and I almost didn't continue until I skipped a few lines and started reading the rest. I was so compelled by them (immediately), that I went back and read the few lines I skipped. I'm glad I did. I wish I could help more - I know it's frustrating when someone says they don't like something but can't say why (what can you do with that!), but I thought I should give my impression nonetheless in case it helps at all.

It was truly only a moment of trouble that I had. The rest of the piece was beautiful.
Reply
:iconpatrikia-bear:
Patrikia-Bear Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love the moss idea. It ties the whole poem together, with the rocks being muddy from the moss, the bones being covered with moss... It makes it perfect.

Although the first stanza feels like it should tie back to the dad a bit more, about how he controlled the older sister to death. Is that how it's supposed to relate?
Reply
:iconsong-wolf-farm:
Song-Wolf-Farm Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
WoW...Awesome! I wish I could love my sister this much. But I doubt we'll ever be close.
Reply
:iconenoughsilence13:
EnoughSilence13 Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Amazing! Incredible! Loads of other positive adjectives.
Reply
:iconbabygirljessicalynn:
BabyGirlJessicaLynn Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Student Photographer
does this mean that the sister died first? im just a little confused on that. overall this made me about cry with how well written it was. Very touching and detailed.
Reply
Add a Comment: