literature

and if she could make

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Literature Text

if she could make the early mornings with her eyes
that swallow the wings of straggling stars and
recede into themselves to become churning salt-lakes
that lap at the insides of her irises
with moonshine-crusted crescent waves--

with her fingers
that trace the paths of roller pigeons
plummeting through the pale mist
and cutting arcs of blooming dawn across the sky
like scars, sunlight falling from the horizon in spades
to wound the freshly-turned earth--

if she could make heaven with all the things
cradled inside her heart:

the brittle arms of
sycamore trees drumming lullabies against
her lungs, the river reeds shaped like
the whispers of rainstorms,  the daffodils whose heads
are crowned with wheels of thunder and

the clouds that turn belly-up and move
backwards, their lightning striking at her feet
upside-down, sucking back the currents from the sea
to spit out gardens of angel-bone coral
and islands with faces that have yet to be named.
I guess I can't really call this a writer's block anymore, seeing as I'm writing more than ever (though that might have something to do with the lack of school). It's more like "writer's block that prevents me from writing anything I really want to write." So I apologize for the bombardment of half-baked poems. :P

This is not all what I thought it'd turn out to be. I pretty much kept playing the same three/four Death Cab for Cutie songs while I was writing it (namely Transatlanticism). They're quite good for poetic inspiration, and you should go listen to them. Like, now. :B

Questions for theWrittenRevolution:

:bulletblue: Is the lack of capitalization off-putting?
:bulletorange: How well does it flow?
:bulletpurple: Are the images effective?

All comments are appreciated and well-loved.
© 2010 - 2024 CyneNoir
Comments18
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Hawkfather's avatar
First of all, the title is a great hook for the piece! It kinda starts to be poetic, then hangs off at the end, and made me want to keep reading.

Your imagery is just amazing. The bit about "wings of straggling stars" was the first one to really jump out at me, and I love the way you described how her fingers traced the pigeon's paths in the sky. And this little bit,

"if she could make heaven with all the things cradled inside her heart:..."

provided a great little pause right in the middle of the piece. It was an outstanding image, because it made my mind think right away of the huge expanse of the heavens, and then right away went into the inside of her heart... that was just too cool!

Other things I liked:
"sunlight falling from the horizon in spades to wound the freshly-turned earth,"
"brittle arms of sycamore trees drumming lullabies against her lungs,"
"river reeds shaped like the whispers of rainstorms,"
among others.

I honestly didn't notice the lack of capital letters until I read your description at the bottom, but now that I look at it, I just really like it for some reason.

You did an awesome job with this piece :) I'm definitely adding you to my watch list.